


Queer Eye for the Disaster Bi

by Unforth



Category: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF, 人渣反派自救系统 - 墨香铜臭 | The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 天官赐福 - 墨香铜臭 | Tiān Guān Cì Fú - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù, 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:48:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28713048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unforth/pseuds/Unforth
Summary: Concerned friends and family members call the Queer Eye folks to help Lan Wangji, Shen Yuan, and Xie Lian.(note there is no RPS in this, just the Queer Eye guys doing their Queer Eye thing.)
Relationships: Hua Cheng/Xie Lian (Tiān Guān Cì Fú), Liǔ Qīnggē/Luò Bīnghé/Shěn Yuán | Shěn Qīngqiū/Yuè Qīngyuán, Luò Bīnghé/Shěn Yuán | Shěn Qīngqiū, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Mòběi-jūn/Shàng Qīnghuá
Comments: 8
Kudos: 113





	Queer Eye for the Disaster Bi

**Author's Note:**

> While I'd love to turn this into a full AU, ngl, it's mostly just some random thoughts I had and wanted to throw up somewhere. Copied from a Tumblr post from, like, a month ago.
> 
> In other news, this is the best title I've ever come up with. I will never top this.

Lan Xichen gets so frustrated at watching his brother pine for the disaster bi who works at the local coffeeshop (Wei Ying actually owns it but never admits that publicly because that would make him look like a competent adult and that's totally unacceptable) that he calls in the Fab 5. Tan's horror at Lan Wangji's entirely white and blue wardrobe is expressed so loudly that Karamo and Jonathan come running just to make sure everything is okay and Tan is just like, "everything. is. white. Even his dress shoes are white! Where does someone even get white dress shoes, a Dave's Bridal? Did you get these at Dave's Bridal?" He gestures accusingly with the white patent leather shoes.

(They've never seen Tan lose his cool like this...they're kind of alarmed...Lan Wangji in general seems like an okay guy, he doesn't really deserve...how will he react...uh...)

...but Lan Wangji just shrugs. "Mn."

"Okay," says Tan, gathering himself and calming down with a slow exhale. "This is an aesthetic. I get it. So we're going to work with it, and introduce some color. And lose these shoes forever. What do you think?"

What Lan Wangji thinks: _will Wei Ying like me more if I wear color?_

What Lan Wangji says: "I'll try."

"And no more shopping for daily wear at Dave's Bridal!"

"Yes, Tan."

Tan tosses the shoes in the "donate" pile.

A few hours later, grinning like a maniac, Jonathan sneaks them back out. He's got plans for building Lan Wangji's confidence with Wei Ying, and if everything goes as planned, in 8 to 12 months Lan Wangji's gonna need those shoes for something vaguely like their original purpose...Tan can't really object if they're actually being used for a wedding, right?

* * *

Or, the time when Yue Qingyuan, Liu Qingge and Shang Qinghua all _indepedently_ contact the show about their friend Shen Yuan (well, Shang Qinghua doesn't say he's a friend, he's actually like, "there's this asshole I hate who's a total disaster can you please help him so he'll leave me the fuck alone?") and so of course the producers pick him because that has never happened before. They have to change the entire pacing for the episode when they edit the footage because there are three recommenders and so many extra interviews.

Jonathan watches it all with fascination, especially noting how Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge talk about Shen Yuan...and then he meets Luo Binghe, whose adoration is obvious...

...and he's just like, "look, sometimes Polly wants a cracker...and sometimes Polly wants a foursome...and what I'm saying is Polly should have that foursome and I am gonna make it happen...oh god, don't put that footage in, that joke doesn't work at all, just cut the whole thing..."

The editors are _really_ crunched for time on that episode...

...they still include what Jonathan said.

When Shen Yuan watches it after (he and Luo Binghe have since hooked up) he's shocked...and his heart aches cause he does also care for Liu Qingge and Yue Qingyuan...and he never even thought...but now he can't stop thinking about it...

...it takes them about half an hour of talking post-airing to make Jonathan's wish finally come true, and it never would have occurred to any of them if Jonathan's joke had been cut.

Jonathan finds out when Shen Yuan's Facebook status (of course they're Facebook friends post-filming!) changes to "It's complicated."

He claims complete victory.

Shang Qinghua bemoans that the Fab 5 were supposed to make Shen Yuan _less_ annoying, not further ruin Shang Qinghua's life by making that asshole a harem master.

(He doesn't know that the foursome is plotting to get Shang Qinghua his own Queer Eye intervention, including getting him together with Mobei Jun).

* * *

And then there’s Xie Lian.

Honestly, when the Fab 5 show up having seen Feng Xin and Mu Qing’s joint request for help, and having seen Xie Lian’s introductory video, they’re a little amazed at first how…well adjusted he seems? He’s relaxed. He’s calm. He’s full of smiles, and acceptance, and agreement. 

They’re…kinda not sure what they’re doing there?

And then Bobby sees the hovel that Xie Lian calls a house.

And then Tan sees his _completely empty_ closet because he literally only owns one outfit.

And Antoni sees the _utter garbage_ that passes for the food in his refrigerator.

And Karamo sees that his entire social calendar consists of dumpster diving, panhandling, and charity work.

And for once the only one with nothing to do is Jonathan, and the others meet up in post-meet up horror to discuss how this is the most difficult case they’ve ever faced.

The problem isn’t poverty…or at least, that’s not the _entire_ problem, and they’re certainly not about to shame a man for being poor…but that Xie Lian is clearly capable, mentally and physically and emotionally, and yet he chooses to live like this…they _must_ find out why, because nothing they’re seeing makes any damn sense.

Karamo starts making calls to find Xie Lian a good therapist, though, cause he’s sure that whatever the problem is here, a few days of Queer magic alone won’t be enough to fix them.

(…just wait til they meet Hua Cheng…)

**Author's Note:**

> Check me out on social media!  
> Tumblr: [unforth](https://unforth.tumblr.com/) (very multifandom with a decent amount of politics/social justice)  
> Twitter: [unforth](https://twitter.com/unforth) (mostly MDZS/CQL, with a splash of multifandom and also a decent amount of politics/social justice, cause sorry, them's the times)  
> Discord: unforth#6748


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